Berated

Arti's gaze was fixed at the little pink teddy bear in the other corner of the room. She did not know what to do with it now. Should she throw it away, along with those numerous letter and those greeting cards that she had so carefully hidden in the umpteen number of books that she had savoured. Did she want to cry or talk to someone. Did she want to open the laptop and watch some videos on Youtube. Did she want to see a movie? Her mind was going blank and she did not know how to come out of this situation. Was it cursed to remain blank forever now. Why did the world appear so uninteresting today, she wondered.

She covered her face with the blanket again and looked at her phone. It was another blank gaze. Is he going to call she wondered. Is he going to drop a message. Should she call him and ask him if he could meet her again, just once maybe. She would do everything right this time, she would correct herself to the extent that everything about her would appeal to him. She would allow him to go down on her. She would allow him to remove her panties and have sex with her. Where had she gone wrong she wondered. Why had she been rejected? Was she so unattractive, was her life so dishonest that he could not find his truth in it. Was she boring? Did she lack humour to entertain him? What was it? She scrolled through all the messages, she wanted to read alteast one of them, but she had lost her ability to discern. She wanted him, but she she hated him for what he had done to her. 

She removed the quilt and went inside the bathroom. She looked at herself in the lifesize mirror which adorned one wall in next to basin. She washed her face, and looked at herself. Lack of sleep had made her ugly, there was dark circle beneath her eyes. There was something absolutely detestable about her face today. She wondered if she was glowing because of love, because of her belonging to Akash, and today, when he was not a part of her life she had gone back into her darkness. Into the truth that she had to face, was he just an illusion which made her feel beautiful, the illusion that Cinderella had when she met the prince. Maybe that was it but she hated herself like this. There was venom in her, and there was love. She should show him what she is capable of, she should do something spectacular to make him feel that he had committed a mistake by allowing her to go. She pulled the liver of the shower, and allowed the water to completely drench her. She was still wearing her clothes, but how did she care? She looked at that twinkled in front of her eyes. The layer of tears were being mixed with the layers of water. She removed all that she had worn and slowly unleashed the layers of pain which were bound by the glue of her own helplessness. She could bear no more to be a victim of a situation which she realized she couldn't actually help. The falling water appeared soothing after a while, she looked at herself in the mirror again. She looked beautiful without clothes of self pity that she had tried to cover herself with, but still something remained, she knew it wasn't so easy, it wasn't so normal, so explicable, the burden which she had so suddenly taken over herself. Life wasn't so clear, it still appeared hazy as the water took the shape of droplets over her lashes and suddenly immersed into her eyes, but she had found some strength to live, to do something worthwhile. She pulled the liver again, and the shower responded. She gathered her being and decided to remain sane. She prayed that some up there give her the strength to rebuild and pulled out the bathrobe.

Arti walked back into her room and looked at the teddy bear again, she should keep it she thought, just as a memory perhaps. The letters needed to be burnt. She couldn't build a life with them haunting her forever with their presence. She looked at her phone again, with some apprehension this time. She wasn't sure if she wanted to see his call or message. She wanted to get rid of him now, maybe, move on. She unlocked the screen to notice a couple of missed calls. Akash, the screen read. She felt her heart beat hard. What did he want of her now? She looked at the number again and realized she should call back. The phone rang and rang forever till it was picked up by another voice, a voice with which she was familiar but did not expect at the other end. "Hi Arti, Don't know what to tell you, I know there was some problem between you and Akash but I think you should know this. He had met with an accident, and has been hit on his head, the blood flow is too much. He may not survive. We are in Lifeline. You may come if you want to". Her heart skipped a beat. She had told him so many times that he should wear the helmet, but he would not listen to her, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Thanks Rahul I'll see if I can make it" She hung up on him as soon as she said this and looked at her wardrobe. Her gaze fell on her laptop on the bed. She looked at the wardrobe again, there was a hard disc in here. There were a few unfinished movies she realized. She could watch one of them.